


sometimes i wonder if i'm ever gonna find somebody

by behradtarazi



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Closeted Character, F/F, Lesbian Caitlin Snow, Pining, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, basically this is cait coming to terms w the fact that she is gay as hell! have fun, takes place over the entirety of the show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-26
Updated: 2019-10-26
Packaged: 2021-01-03 18:51:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21184289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/behradtarazi/pseuds/behradtarazi
Summary: it takes caitlin a long, long time to fully accept that she is very, very gay.





	sometimes i wonder if i'm ever gonna find somebody

_ i wish i found love _

_ sometimes i wonder if you’ll love me ever _

_ i wonder if i’m ever gonna find somebody _

**i;**

caitlin remembers her very first crush.

she was ten years old and didn’t quite know why she felt so many butterflies whenever she looked at her best friend, noa, chalked it up to not being used to having many friends, so of course it made since that she’d be extra attached, right? 

right?

(she still knows everything about her. she still has a scar on the side of her arm from sitting too close to the radiator while she cried after noa moved out of town.)

**ii; **

ronnie is nice. ronnie is nice and sweet and he makes caitlin laugh, and she feels closer to him than she does almost anyone, and she wants him to be part of the rest of her life, so she has to be in love with him, doesn’t she?

she has to be in love with him, so he proposes, and she says yes.

(it’s not until years later that she finds the phrase ‘queerplatonic relationship’ and thinks, _ oh. _)

**iii; **

ronnie dies for the second, heartbreaking time, and caitlin sits at home and feels so hollow, so empty, so cold, filled to the brim with pain, even though she can’t quite seem to cry.

she looks at the gold band still on her finger, and she resolves to get rid of it the very next day.

she tries to pawn it, but stops herself before she can even take a step through the door.

(it sits in the bottom drawer of her bedside table. she thinks about ronnie so often, too often, but only ever really as her best friend.)

**iv; **

it’s around then that caitlin starts to think, _ iris is really pretty. _

but she’s grieving and guilty and she - she can’t do this, not now, even when iris takes her out for coffee and holds her hand.

besides, iris has eddie and barry loves her, too, and caitlin doesn’t want to hurt anybody by saying something she shouldn’t. she doesn’t want anyone to be uncomfortable like she is, unsure of what to do or how she feels.

iris tells caitlin she’s bisexual, and caitlin feels her heart skip a beat.

(that feeling never fully goes away, but there are other things for them to deal with, so caitlin puts it in a block of ice and tries to forget.)

**v;**

time passes. 

caitlin says the word lesbian to herself very quietly in front of the mirror, and it fits. it _ fits, _but she doesn't tell a soul, and she's not sure if it's internalized homophobia or insecurity or fear, but she doesn't tell a soul.

she meets lisa snart, lisa with the stunning eyes and the wildfire grin, lisa who calls her beautiful caity and pretty girl and laughs when she tries not to blush, and caitlin falls a little bit harder.

(she kisses lisa outside of the saints and sinners. lisa's brother dies the next month and she leaves town. they never speak again.)

**vi; **

caitlin slowly befriends julian, and he's handsome enough and charming and so very in love with barry that it almost hurts to witness. they get drinks together the night that iris and barry get engaged, and when he declares himself a disaster, she smiles and doesn’t disagree.

she holds his hand tightly and imagines iris or lisa in his place.

(once, julian looks at her over his sixth glass of whiskey, tired and slightly numb, and says, "if you spend your whole life being scared of yourself, you won't really be living. life's short, mate. fuck anybody who tells you not to be you." he doesn't remember it the next day, but caitlin does.)

**vii; **

then comes killer frost, now a slightly tentative friend instead of an enemy, who shares none of caitlin’s reservations, none of her fear. 

frost, who _ kisses amunet fucking black. _

she's bisexual and not ashamed in the slightest, and when iris gives caitlin a gentle, questioning look, she just shakes her head, says she's straight as a ruler, smiles when iris laughs.

(she can hear frost and julian in the back of her head telling her to stop lying, but caitlin feels very small and very scared next to their fierce, hard won pride, and so she bites her tongue and doesn't.)

**vii;**

cisco gets a definitely scary, absolutely beautiful girlfriend called cynthia. caitlin's happy for him, and also quite possibly more of a disaster than julian ever was.

there's a headline about lisa snart in a california newspaper. she gets a notification about it on her phone, and can’t help but think that lisa looks good, even in a mugshot. 

iris is still there, by caitlin’s side, strong and stunning and - married. she’s married. happily married.

(she wakes up in bed next to shawna baez, of all people, curses frost's name, and runs.)

**viii;**

nora west-allen appears from the future, which is chaos inducing to the point that caitlin can’t really find the time for any internal struggles, until this:

cecile asks caitlin an offhand question about her dating life, and nora gets a look so knowing on her face that caitlin nearly has a heart attack. she opens her mouth to speak, and caitlin jumps to cut her off, inventing a story about a pretty man she met at jitters on the spot.

(she meets a cute waitress the very next day, and dies a little bit inside. nora just smiles.)

**ix; **

the cute waitress gives caitlin her number. caitlin doesn’t call.

nothing goes right for the rest of the year. nothing goes right for the rest of the year, and she gets trauma that will impact her for the rest of her life, and she loses so much. so much.

(but. _ but _.

she gives ralph dibny a speech about love, tells him that he deserves it and thinks, very tentatively, that she might, too.

she’s been through enough and really - what more can she lose?

caitlin snow decides that now, at the end of all things, she can let herself be brave and be bold, and if it all ends in disaster, well, she can always steal one of the legends’ memory-erasing guns.)


End file.
